Confessions

I leave for a personal prayer retreat today.

I have reserved a room in a nearby monastery and I will spend two days alone with God.

My sabbatical marks the end of 14 years of Pastoral ministry and I have never gone on a personal retreat.

The closest thing was in high school when I went on a silent prayer retreat with other teens on my district. My biggest memory of that retreat was learning how to communicate with my three roommates w/o words and being kissed by the "most spiritual" young man on the district out behind shed.  And then we never spoke - literally - it was a silent retreat; we kissed and then never spoke about it, ever. Oh, Tim, I still wonder what that was all about.

Teenage confessions aside. I have never done this. I have never been one to time my prayer time. I just pray, I journal, I listen to God and when I am done, I am done. I spend time in my office alone praying.  I spend time in my sanctuary praying. I pray at my computer, in my car.  I do a lot of praying in the space and gaps in my day. Making space for prayer in my life in the natural space in my life, to intentionally build prayer time into my increasingly busy schedule is a habit I picked the five years I was bi-vocational. Now, when nobody is around most of my days in the office are silent (although I do tend to listen to worship music). So, there is a lot of time alone, doing the work of God, talking to and listening to God. But, I have never done this; never gone away, with 48 hours set aside for God and me.

And I am afraid. I am nervous. And I am confessing it. I am saying it out loud (writing it publicly). I feel like a 12 year old at her first dance; or on my first date, when Bryan asked me if he could hold my hand. God has asked to hold my hand and my stomach is doing flips. I am nervous. And my mind is racing. What is this? What is going to happen?  What is this going to be like?  I really am an awkward teen-age girl sitting across the Burger King booth with a head full of questions, and heart full of thoughts and feelings I do not know how to describe.

It would be easy to just not blog right now; to leave this part out of my journey. To come back from my retreat and blog a beautiful blog, overgrown with the life that is planted in the garden of my soul in these next two days. And we can all be amazed at the beauty of what has grown. First, first I need you to see the dry barren land in which this garden will be planted.  I need to you see the before picture, so that when we stand in the midst of what comes after, you and I can know together what exactly God has done.

But my confession is worse than that. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of "doing it wrong." I am afraid that God will not meet me there. I am afraid that it will be nothing. That I will go away. That I will pray, I will worship, I will study scripture, that I will read and it will continue to be barren.  That I will be the dry thirsty land I was before I left.  Always wondering what it is other experience, what it is that they know that I do not; wondering what they did right and what I did wrong. What if . . .? What if I am alone in the Burger King booth drinking a warm pop and eating a cold burger?

I am excited and I am afraid.  But, I am hopeful.  God has never abandoned me before. I have never known God to give me the short straw or the diet portion. God has always been generous, met me, and filled me. So, I am expectant and ready.

I am going on a date.  I am excited.  And I know God is going to ask to hold my hand.